orientation, long day. Talked to a fair number fo people, several more than once. A few seem quite nice and pursueable.
Wish that I still had short, short hair. I feel/fear that the way that I look now does not accurately portray what I would like to project to people right off the bat. I blend in with the crowd and am lost amongst a crowd of 80 other women (in my class alone) with medium length brownish hair. It is driving me crazy. I like my hair, I do, and I want to continue on the program of growing it out, but if I have many more days of feeling as I have all day today, it won't last long. With my hair even as long as it was four months ago it would be by far the shortest of any of the women in the class. I would like that. I like that I shaved my head, even if it was only once, it was a growing experience and I am a different person now than I would have been if I hadn't done it. I have spent way too much time on queer activism in the past three years, burnt out a bit, in fact, which has also totally changed me in so many ways... But no one here knows any of that. I have medium lenth brownish hair, a bit curly and frizzy and either too messy or too neat. Yeah, maybe I laugh loudly and I'm a bit pushy or know-it-all (am I still a k-i-a, hopefully not insufferably so), but I am a face in a sea of 107 new faces over 80 of which are women, smart, probably leaders, like I am. And so, because I am invisible, I listen to angry lesbian music this evening. I did, however, mention my queer activism to a colleague and her boyfriend this evening at the picnic, kind of inadvertantly. She asked me about my hobbies and I mentioned that I had spent a fair amount of time during my udnergrad involed in activism, one thing led to another... and I was explaining "queer" to two straight (her boyfriend EXCEEDINGLY straight) people, strangers, one of which I NEED to get along with and work with. Great... oh well, not like I was going to really censor myself around people anywya. It would have come up soon, I'm sure. Whatever...

Not only am I lost in this sea of women that all look like girls (not a bad thing, but, damn, give me some more variation, (Will I have to be that variation? do I NEED to be that variation? Am I that variation?)), but I am surrounded by people who want to become veterinarians, science people for the most part, all of which were smart enough and ambitious enough to be acceptedinto this program. Do I have nothing to call my own? I had gotten used to being the one or one of two-ish people that people I know would come to with sciencey questions, for sciencey answers. None of that now... need a distinguishing feature... gonna drown in this sea of uncertainty. Pond, too big, fish, too small.

There is a Christian Veterinary Fellowship. What the fuck? Its mere existance angers and frustrates me.

We played this orientation game today called "Bus". The room was divided into two sides, a question was asked, for example, "Do you prefere Coke or Pepsi?" one side of the room corresponded to each choice. You stood in the front if you REALLY did and in the back if not so much, on whichever side you chose. One of the quesitons was voting for Bush or Kerry. OVER 80% OF THE CLASS (of 107) STOOD ON THE BUSH SIDE!!!! These are students, almost 100% already have undergrad degrees, almost 100% will be going into debt of at least $40,000 (if not $120,000 or so) to go to vet school, mean age of 23.4 or something like that. WHAT IN THE HELL!!! Am I in the land of Rand McNally? Do people where hats on their feet? Do hamburgers eat people? Because if that is not the explanation, then I am naseous and scared about the future of this country (more so than I already was). I could tell that my fellow sane people felt pretty much as I did, from the looks that we exchanged. Ugh... One girl, from New Jersey, commented that, "that" (said pointing to our illogical colleagues) is why she was scared to come to Iowa. I assured her that not all Iowans are that crazy, Gore did take the state, yes it's a swing state, but most of those kids were either suburb dwellers or farmers with farmers for parents. With such different ideologies, how can people be expected to get along well with one another in close quarters with one another for three years? Ugh, again...

Also, annoyance, the boys kept segregating themselves out from the rest of the class. What in the hell is that? Are we in 3rd grade? Come on!

Frustrated and ready to sleep,
Rachel

Kudos to those who made it this far.