I'm sick and people suck and are frustrating (me included).
Just wanting a hug from a friend tonight (despite beign germ-ridden)...
Life is so hard when you don't have control of things and the people who do are dumb and don't listen.

How's that for an upbeat entry, eh?
On a happy note: Jess lives nearby now and I'll be in IC this weekend. My time is at a premium, but if any of you need to hang out with me, let me know and I'll try to squeeze you in. ;)

I'm off to sleep and hopefully wake up more upbeat and less sick.

Here is an email that I wrote to a friend in February 2000, my senior year of high school. I was looking for a survey I filled out once upon a time and came upon this instead. Enjoy this window into my 17-year-old self. Nothing has been added or removed. Let's keep in mind that I was still stuck back home, in tiny Dayton with no one and nothing queer, hadn't really gotten to explore or discover. Reading this was really trippy, I don't even remember feeling like this... Warning, it's a bit melodramatic and a bit of a downer, but it is pretty indicative of who I was at that point in my life:

Bryan, baby, where are you? It has been forever since I've heard from you and I miss you, man.Today was actually one of the best days that I have had in a really long time. Mary and I were more than civil to each other and I didn't feel the need to pull my hair out or severely injure many people...However, now is not so good... why is it that on the weekends I just feel rushed, anxious, lonely, and lazy like I never get anything done...There is a Valentine's dance tomorrow night... I think that I may go just for the hell of it, it should be fun... but I don't know. Couple crap hasn't been overly depressing lately, in fact, not really at all. But I am beginning to find it so again.

I watch these movies, read these stories, and hear people talk about
relationships. I look at their relationships and I think, I will never
have that... I am, in a way, I guess, mourning the "loss" of my
heterosexuality... I don't know, maybe I'm just overanalyzing stuff... but, I feel like... I feel like I am telling myself not to "give up" on being straight, when I know that isn't how it is... like..."maybe you just think this since you have never had a guy and feel like you never will"... but I know that isn't true... I just wish that I could convince that little part of my brain that is tormenting me of it. I think to myself, "life will be so much easier if you're just straight"... never have to hide from anyone, but myself, I guess... not near as many will hate you for something that you are or some stupid stereotype that they are clinging to... won't be questioned about your sexuality, why, how, when... straight people, it is assumed, are always, have always, and will always be straight and they don't have to justify that to anybody, let alone themselves... My parents would never hate or be dissappointed in me for what I am, if I were straight... I wouldn't have to ever look in their eyes and see that painful look of dissappointment, know that I caused it... god, that thought hurts more than anything. Guess I still want to be the "perfect daughter", "daddy's little girl."... I realize that many things that I have done have been more for my parents, out of fear of seeing that dissappointment in their eyes, hearing in their voices, than for myself. But has it really been that bad? Is it that ignoble a life? Isn't it worth it? But do I mistake not dissappointing them, for love? Do they love me more than they would if I would dissappoint them more often? or does it just mean that our love has never been tested? Surely something untested is bound to be wraught with flaw, imperfections, impurities, weaknesses... I always say I don't like my family, they are smothering, opressive, close-minded sometimes, overly harsh sometimes, maddening, suffocating, and so many other things. but losing them, their love, knowing they will always be here for me is something that I don't think I could bear. Their's is the only way that I know how to live. The thought of being totally alone in the world is one that scares me more than so many other things... emotionally alone... It makes me wonder, would I rather be loved for what I am not, for a dead ideal me, or turned away because of what I truly am? The noble answer, of course, is the latter... but I don't think that I could dealwith that... right now I may *feel* alone a lot, but at least I have the artificial, physical prescence of people who have always been around...I think, in my head, sometimes, "you could be perfectly happy just finding a nice guy, settleing down, finishing college, working hard."... What's the difference? people are people, right? and, in the end, sex is all about physical touch... people needing people...Sorry about this long, depressing letter... I needed to get this stuff out... thank you for listening.I love you and hope I never have to worry about losing you.

Rachel(wow, i guess that last sentence is one fraught with intense emotion, hope it doesn't scare you or make you uncomfortable)

... has just finished washing over me like a soothing balm that flows into those little nooks and crannies of your soul, stinging at first, but bringing with it relief and peace.
Who knew? A month ago, a week ago, a day ago I would have scoffed at the idea of listening to or watching a concert of Josh Groban as I just did on IPTV. But I tell you, I would do it again. And I would like then too.

so, I will give you just one, fairly disturbing one, that I learned tonight.
The word is "fetotome"
Let's use our knowledge of word roots, prefixes, suffixes, and combining forms to dissect (no pun intended) this simple word.
-tome is a word element meaning "an instrument for cutting"
feto- is a combining form meaning "fetus", infant, baby, whatever you want to call it.
So, a fetotome is, what? An instrument for cutting fetuses.
Let me give you an actual definition (taken from Saunders Comprehensive Veterinary Dictionary):
"fetotome an instrument designed for use in cows and mares for the purpose of dissecting a dead fetus in utero when normal delivery is impossible and cesarean section inadvisable. There are a number of special instruments all based on fetotomy [note: this is the dissection of a dead fetus in utero] wire saws passed through metal tubes about 3 ft long. These are threaded external to the cow by passing the wire saw out of the end of one tube, into the uterus and around the part to be amputated, out of the uterus and into the other tube. The two ends of the saw are brought out of the far ends of the tubes and special handles are attached. The tubes are inserted into the uterus and pushed hard up against the skin. Rapid see-sawing with the saw completes the task."

Yeah, saw a picture of a fetotomed colt tonight in a presentation. Not so neat...

-VM1 organized picnic tonight in the trailer park for the VM1's. BYOG (bring your own grillable) and BYOB. Just returned home.

-I decided to bake something fun and me. Thus I baked.... ::doot-dah-doo!:: A red velvet cake in the shape of a dog. Well, I fashioned a sheetcake and a single cupcake into a reasonable rendition of a white dog (cream cheese frosting provided the fur). My mad creative cake skills...

-The dog (with red insides approximating the muscles that we are dissecting for at least 6 hours per week in lab) was a big hit. Many people were confused about what kind of cake it was, though. There were suspicions that it was some sort of berry flavored. (How discusting is that?) But those who ate it, liked it and most that saw it seemed to appreciate it. Mission accomplished.

-Speaking with new people and learning some more names and factoids occurred.

-Intellctual, intense and at times heated discussion took place as the evening wound down. That was good. A good thing to happen, I think. Hope that I didn't really drive anyone away, but if I did, so be it. More than anything, though, I hope that I didn't appear ignorant, immovable, or stupid.

-I am overwhelmed. In a matter of just a couple of days I have gotten behind. Old feelings of anxiety have returned and I feel that large weight settling in over my heart and lungs, compressing everything within and making everything less apt to function properly. Perhaps if I would have made the time for more physical activity today, that wouldn't be the case, hard to tell, as I have been doing some extra stuff every day due to the decrease in the amount of walking that I am used to having to do everyday.

-Feeling isolated, but not wanting to use the immediate routes available to remedy that (family and friend here [don't know if Meredith and I are there yet]).

-Oh yeah, did I mention the overwhelmation and anxiety?

On the up side, Jory is visiting on Friday. I look forward to that a ridiculous amount.

Listening to Ryan's radio show (which I recorded on Thursday night) as I write this entry.

Labor Day weekend... time of the annual rodeo spectacle in my hometown of Dayton. Time of a migration northways to home to see my youngest sister, back from her first two weeks of college at the University of Iowa. Time of much ambivalence and missing of peoples, places, times, things...

Funny, even when I feel like I have been at home long enough, it is still weird/hard to leave. Although I do see my parents fairly often now and I live with my middle sister, it is a different way of "feeling like a family" (whatever that means) when we're at home, in the house and arrangement that I lived in for ten years before I departed for college the first time. I need to work on not holding things up on pedestals in my head and taking them as they truly are, not as I see them or want to see them or whatever. I really really miss our birds, too, so that makes it hard to leave. Ollie is getting up there in years (14 nearly). I dread receiving that call, the one that says that he has died. I always try to make our last moments together when I'm home count, just in case.

A lot of things fit right now, which actually makes me feel a bit off kilter.

Talking to friends on the phone throughout the week helps make everything better and I am so glad that I have talked to those with whom I have. (awkward sentence there...)

Oh, and, Ryan, if you're reading this, the show from last week is a good one, I think. The music is really fitting my mood for this afternoon.

I am in a class called Basics of Medical Terminology (aka Words for Nerds). It is really great. It's like a game. Learning meanings and origins of all these prefixes, suffixes, roots, combining forms... a puzzle, a glorious, ordered puzzle.
Because I get so much joy and knowledge from this class, I have decided to bring the readers of this blog along for part of the ride. There is a standing assignment for those of us in the class that we must each bring in three words, their contexts, definitions, and etymologies for every class. Thus, I will be choosing two of my words each Monday and Wednesday to share with people who read this blog.

The words will always be in the following format:
"word of the day"- "context"- "definition"- "etymology"

Here are today's words:

pyometra- "Pyometra creates a 'third body spacing,' a space where fluid from the interstitial and intravascular spaces leak, in the uterus."- Accumulation of pus in the uterine cavity.- from Greek pyo- meaning pus and metra meaning uterus.

triskelions- "A small pit is formed with the assistance of clatherin triskelions."- A figure composed of three usually curved or bent branches radiating from a center.- from Greek by way of New Latin tri- meaning three and skelos meaning leg.

BONUS WORDS, LESS INFORMATION, BUT WAY MORE FUN!
pachymeningitis- an inflammation of the thick meninges
cardiorrhexis- broken (ruptured) heart
odynophobia- fear of pain