Here is an email that I wrote to a friend in February 2000, my senior year of high school. I was looking for a survey I filled out once upon a time and came upon this instead. Enjoy this window into my 17-year-old self. Nothing has been added or removed. Let's keep in mind that I was still stuck back home, in tiny Dayton with no one and nothing queer, hadn't really gotten to explore or discover. Reading this was really trippy, I don't even remember feeling like this... Warning, it's a bit melodramatic and a bit of a downer, but it is pretty indicative of who I was at that point in my life:

Bryan, baby, where are you? It has been forever since I've heard from you and I miss you, man.Today was actually one of the best days that I have had in a really long time. Mary and I were more than civil to each other and I didn't feel the need to pull my hair out or severely injure many people...However, now is not so good... why is it that on the weekends I just feel rushed, anxious, lonely, and lazy like I never get anything done...There is a Valentine's dance tomorrow night... I think that I may go just for the hell of it, it should be fun... but I don't know. Couple crap hasn't been overly depressing lately, in fact, not really at all. But I am beginning to find it so again.

I watch these movies, read these stories, and hear people talk about
relationships. I look at their relationships and I think, I will never
have that... I am, in a way, I guess, mourning the "loss" of my
heterosexuality... I don't know, maybe I'm just overanalyzing stuff... but, I feel like... I feel like I am telling myself not to "give up" on being straight, when I know that isn't how it is... like..."maybe you just think this since you have never had a guy and feel like you never will"... but I know that isn't true... I just wish that I could convince that little part of my brain that is tormenting me of it. I think to myself, "life will be so much easier if you're just straight"... never have to hide from anyone, but myself, I guess... not near as many will hate you for something that you are or some stupid stereotype that they are clinging to... won't be questioned about your sexuality, why, how, when... straight people, it is assumed, are always, have always, and will always be straight and they don't have to justify that to anybody, let alone themselves... My parents would never hate or be dissappointed in me for what I am, if I were straight... I wouldn't have to ever look in their eyes and see that painful look of dissappointment, know that I caused it... god, that thought hurts more than anything. Guess I still want to be the "perfect daughter", "daddy's little girl."... I realize that many things that I have done have been more for my parents, out of fear of seeing that dissappointment in their eyes, hearing in their voices, than for myself. But has it really been that bad? Is it that ignoble a life? Isn't it worth it? But do I mistake not dissappointing them, for love? Do they love me more than they would if I would dissappoint them more often? or does it just mean that our love has never been tested? Surely something untested is bound to be wraught with flaw, imperfections, impurities, weaknesses... I always say I don't like my family, they are smothering, opressive, close-minded sometimes, overly harsh sometimes, maddening, suffocating, and so many other things. but losing them, their love, knowing they will always be here for me is something that I don't think I could bear. Their's is the only way that I know how to live. The thought of being totally alone in the world is one that scares me more than so many other things... emotionally alone... It makes me wonder, would I rather be loved for what I am not, for a dead ideal me, or turned away because of what I truly am? The noble answer, of course, is the latter... but I don't think that I could dealwith that... right now I may *feel* alone a lot, but at least I have the artificial, physical prescence of people who have always been around...I think, in my head, sometimes, "you could be perfectly happy just finding a nice guy, settleing down, finishing college, working hard."... What's the difference? people are people, right? and, in the end, sex is all about physical touch... people needing people...Sorry about this long, depressing letter... I needed to get this stuff out... thank you for listening.I love you and hope I never have to worry about losing you.

Rachel(wow, i guess that last sentence is one fraught with intense emotion, hope it doesn't scare you or make you uncomfortable)