Although in many ways I have a lot more free time at the moment than I do whilst school is in session, I find it hard to sit down and write a real entry. As I usually end up doing, here is a "highlights of Rachel's break so far":

1) X-mas at home. I spent nearly an entire week surrounding Dec 25 staying at home in my parents' house. There were emotional zeniths and nadirs to the entire experience. One of the zeniths was sitting down with my two new vocal and piano books and just playing and singing for a long time after things had settled down last Saturday.
2) Helped my gramma take down all of her Christmas decorations because I am a wonderful granddaughter. It is always a good time just hanging out with my gramma, though. She is one cool person. She makes me feel grown up while still making me feel like I used to when I was growing up and learning so much from her, my great-gramma, and my great aunts. I feel competent and knowledgeable. I feel as though I do know how to make a place a home and am always picking up new little ways to do so. I also, at times, feel as though I am being prepared for being a good wife and mother, though not in an overbearing way, and this could make me ambivalent but it does not. Who can say why? I cannot.
3) Bonded with my little sister Bee. We had a couple of really good, long talks. Maybe I can deal with a more personal relationship with my sisters (that is, a relationship that is more than just sisterly closeness, one that is also friend closeness). Only time will tell, I guess. As much as we still fight, I can tell that we are both in this for the long haul.
4) Winter break speech rehearsal with the large group speech team from my high school. Always, ever since I graduated from high school, one of the highlights of my year is being a guest critic at this annual event. It is a long day, but I have never left feeling like I have not made a difference in at least one student, one performance. Besides that, I just miss speech so damn much. That rush of performing is something that just can't be replicated by some other experience. I will perform again. Until then (and probably during and after as well), I will continue judging and affecting the lives and performances of students whenever I can.
5) One of my favorite activities of the past two weeks is what happened after the rehearsal. That night, I was blessed to hang out with my speech coach/English & theatre teacher from high school and a friend from high school. We sat and talked at Applebee's for six hours! about everything under the sun. And it was passion, intelligence, memories and the future. Some perspectives, both current and past, were shifted. It was good for my soul. I feel nourished instead of wanting and bittersweet as I so often feel after revisiting things and people that I miss.
6) Spent 15 hours in Ames doing laundry, knitting, and entertaining an unexpected visitor before leaving home again to head to another former home: Iowa City.
7) IC was, as always, a whirlwind of people, places, and conversations, some unexpected, some unpleasant, but all real.
8) There are people in my life who absolutely blow me out of the water. When I am with them, there is this amazing connection, this circuit carrying interest, intelligence, and empathy running between us. These are the people with whom I could (and with most HAVE) spent all night talking and then some. The conversations cut me deep, even when they are seemingly a bit superficial. They make me think and I return the favor. Their backgrounds and fields may be miles away from my own, but a mutual interest in... life? knowledge? everything? is shared. Now, many of my self-esteem issues have been ironed out, and I don't think that this is one, anyway, really, but sometimes, when outside of the moment, especially when they are far away, I can hardly believe that the moments, conversations, and connections even occurred. They seem like dreams that clarified some thoughts, but were really just shadows in the night. I am convinced that the connection wasn't ever there, that it is all some fantasy in my head, that I am blowing things out of proportion. Then distance is overcome, dialogue happens, and I know that the connection is real. This is really a bullet about Ryan. Someone I have known for such a short time. Someone about whom I feel I could never have enough information. Someone who has cut me deeply in these few months, those few, but often lengthy, discussions. Somehow, he has managed to single-handedly renew my faith in people and jump-start my spirit. This is getting gushy and rambling. In conclusion, I have been changed for good and don't plan on giving up occasional conversations with him without a fight. On to the next point.
9) New Year's Eve party. Fun idea. In practice, however, it was mostly no good for me. Truly this is my fault. Too many people in too small a space combined with my lack of motivation that night to meet people with whom I will probably never interact. My annoyance with drunk people and a holiday that promotes such inebriation, particularly since I was already grumpy by the time that other people arrived. My frustration with myself for being there, putting myself in such an avoidable situation. My irrational tiredness as-of-late. My crankish bitchiness, unprovoked and undeserved by most people.
There were good bits, though, too. Wicked, the musical. Singing along with said musical. Spooning with Jim for a long time. Lesbians making out on top of Jim while we were spooning. ::smile:: What a night.
10) Found the perfect yarn for a scarf that I have been needing to make for a friend. No use making a surprise scarf for someone if it isn't going to be just right.

The first entry of 2005
Long-winded? yes.
Sincere? yes.
Over? yes
Just beginning? YES!